Are Two Cranky Guys Mad About Christina Hendricks’ New Two-Pack?
Bruce Fretts: Christina Hendricks pulled off quite a double feature—and I’m not just talking about her extreme cleavage on Emmy night. The Mad Men pinup costarred in two of the weekend’s top new movies—Drive and I Don’t Know How She Does It. While you were busy catching Contagion with AJ Jacobs, Bret, I checked out Hendricks’ twin bill. The question is: Which one did I love and which one did I loathe?
Bret Watson: You love any opportunity for awful puns about boobs. You just want me to be your enabler, or bosom buddy, as it were. OK: Since you’re a male, and Sarah Jessica Parker is in I Don’t Know How She Does It, I don’t see how you could have liked it.
Bruce: Just trying to keep you abreast of the cinematic situation! I don’t know how anyone could sit through I Don’t Know How She Does It. I ran screaming from the theater after a half hour. It wasn’t Hendricks’ fault—she’s just fine as Parker’s single-mom coworker, and there are lots of other talented people in the cast, like SNL‘s Seth Meyers, Greg Kinnear and Pierce Brosnan. But Parker is straight-man kryptonite.
Bret: How was Olivia Munn, the occasional Daily Show correspondent? I like watching her, for reasons I can’t justify.
Bruce: Notice I didn’t include her in the “talented” list. I do not understand her appeal, aside from the obvious reasons. And even those pale by comparison to Hendricks’. Then again, so do everyone’s. Aside from maybe Simon Cowell’s moobs, that is.
Bret: Moobs? That’s new to me. Is that a cow’s udder? Never mind. Should I bother you for a plot summary? Does it even matter?
Bruce: It’s like a bad sitcom crossed with my life: A harried parent tries to juggle family and career. It’s the opposite of an escapist date movie—who wants to pay for a babysitter to sit for 90 minutes and watch someone else complain about how hard their pampered life is? SJP is a high-powered lawyer who jets around for her career and has an idyllic husband and child at home but feels guilty about missing her kid’s first haircut. To steal a Ray Romano line, go cry on a pile of money!
Bret: I’ve tried that with a pile of change. Coins aren’t particularly absorbent. I think SJP needs to save her career by playing a serial killer or a cannibal, get as far away from Carrie Bradshaw as possible. Then again, as we saw in Just Go With It and Horrible Bosses, nothing Jennifer Aniston has done since Friends has let her escape the shadow of Rachel. Perhaps you would have cast Parker as a hit-and-run victim in Drive.
Bruce: It doesn’t help that SJP narrates IDKHSDI Sex and the City–style either. I would have gladly added her to the long DOA list in Drive. The film’s ultraviolence is a bit strong even for me—there’s one scene with Albert Brooks (who’s brilliant as a bad guy) that redefines the phrase “Stick a fork in him.” But I dug the movie, even though Hendricks’ part as a pawn-store robbery accomplice is relatively small. And that’s the only relatively small part she’s got!
Bret: You thought Hendricks was better than I did last fall in Life As We Know It, which is now playing on HBO. I think your opinion of an actress inflates with her…you know. No wonder you’re harsh on Mila Kunis.
Bruce: I just wonder what (or who) Hendricks has gotta do to get a lead role in a movie. Nicholas Winding Refn, who directed Drive with style and flair to spare, wants to cast her as Wonder Woman in a big-screen version. Can you imagine her in the Wonder Woman costume in 3D IMAX? It’d be more like 3-DD.
Bret: So what is Drive about, other than a tragic tale of underexposed headlights?
Bruce: Ryan Gosling (who’s great in everything—what range to go from Blue Valentine to Crazy Stupid Love to this!) stars as a Hollywood stunt driver who does getaway jobs for criminals on the side. He gets mixed up with a miscast Carey Mulligan as a down-on-her-luck mom whose ex-con husband needs help on a stickup job and ends up crossing gangsters Brooks and Ron Perlman, who always brings the badass goods. Bryan Cranston’s terrific as Gosling’s gimpy sidekick, too.
Bret: Did a side-kick make him gimpy? I often think of myself as your gimpy sidekick.
Bruce: No, you’re my wimpy sidekick.
Bret: I’d like to give you a side kick. Do you have anything else you want to tell the world about Drive, before you drive me to drink? And that’s a request: Please pick me up and drive me to a bar.
Bruce: Take my advice and Drive to your local theater and see this movie. How’s that for a blurb? I’ll get TwoCrankyGuys.com quoted in an ad if it’s the last thing I do!
Bret: Yeah, but it’ll be in type so small that only mites on your TV screen can read it. Nothing guarantees a movie’s crapitude like a miniscule atribution for a rave review.
Bruce: And with Christina Hendricks in the trailer, who’d be looking at our blurbs?
Do you think Christina Hendricks has got what it takes to be a movie star? And what did you think of Drive and I Don’t Know How She Does It?